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G-d Darn Insomnia!


Kurt Codean

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This is the second day in a row where I have had a terrible time getting any sleep. It's weird because earlier this week I was doing alright. I took a day off work yesterday but now I don't even know if I will go today. I might lose my job over this. I don't know if I should just stay home or try to tough it out and go to work. This sucks. Especially since I had a good supply of Clownpins and taking a handful of those didn't even help me. Not to mention the benadryl. I seem to go through these cyclical patches where I'm sleeping okay then suddenly I get hit with a bout of insomnia. I was feeling like quitting my job anyway but it ain't going to be fun not having any money in 2 weeks. Damn I hate when this happens to me. Anyone have any advice? I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Sorry this is more of a vent than anything else. To make matters worse I'm completely out of pain pills which means I am going to kill my back today. Stupid me I waited too long to stock up on my usual supplies. The reason I was thinking of quitting this job though is because, It's messing up my back, I have to bend a lot and the doctor told me that I will end up with a deteriorated disc and some kind of arthritis if I keep doing this type of work. so pk's help me get through the job but it just masks the damage being done. 

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Your back is for life codean. Your job is also important, but if you can afford to lose it and get another, then go for it. I'd put my body before my job. Is the pain contributing to the insomnia?

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Your back is for life codean. Your job is also important, but if you can afford to lose it and get another, then go for it. I'd put my body before my job. Is the pain contributing to the insomnia?

I don't think so. I've been having these insomnia issues for quite a while. But the back condition started when I started doing this work last April. I decided to quit this job. I didn't go in today. This was really not my type of work anyway. I went to college and I was washing dishes in a Boston Market for minimum wage. My parents where like WTF is wrong with you. Everyone else that found out I had multiple degrees said the same thing. Like WTF are you doing here? I had no good answer for that. Besides, this wage can't support an adult's life, let alone a family. I don't have a family yet, but I guess doing this is a total waste of time. Especially since I spent most of the money I made there on PK's just so I could do that job without feeling crippled. But at the end of the day, pks or not the damage was being done. I don't think I have permanent damage or anything, but I could imagine I would if I did this for too long. Even my doctor asked me why I don't get a desk job or something. I don't know I must be crazy or something. But you're right it's not worth killing yourself for work, especially if you have a safety net. I can understand if you were an immigrant and had no other choice but to take a job like that, but for me I can still live a decent life without even working (Until my parents are still alive that is). I think I should of quit long ago, and tried to find something in the field I studied, which kind of scares the bejeezus out of me for some reason. I got a degree in economics and I'm not really the finance type who hustles people and stuff lol. I don't think that is my personality. 

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Your back is for life codean. Your job is also important, but if you can afford to lose it and get another, then go for it. I'd put my body before my job. Is the pain contributing to the insomnia?

I don't think so. I've been having these insomnia issues for quite a while. But the back condition started when I started doing this work last April. I decided to quit this job. I didn't go in today. This was really not my type of work anyway. I went to college and I was washing dishes in a Boston Market for minimum wage. My parents where like WTF is wrong with you. Everyone else that found out I had multiple degrees said the same thing. Like WTF are you doing here? I had no good answer for that. Besides, this wage can't support an adult's life, let alone a family. I don't have a family yet, but I guess doing this is a total waste of time. Especially since I spent most of the money I made there on PK's just so I could do that job without feeling crippled. But at the end of the day, pks or not the damage was being done. I don't think I have permanent damage or anything, but I could imagine I would if I did this for too long. Even my doctor asked me why I don't get a desk job or something. I don't know I must be crazy or something. But you're right it's not worth killing yourself for work, especially if you have a safety net. I can understand if you were an immigrant and had no other choice but to take a job like that, but for me I can still live a decent life without even working (Until my parents are still alive that is). I think I should of quit long ago, and tried to find something in the field I studied, which kind of scares the bejeezus out of me for some reason. I got a degree in economics and I'm not really the finance type who hustles people and stuff lol. I don't think that is my personality. 

 

I have no business, and certainly not the credentials, to analyze your situation here - but from what I read above and in your first post I do think that the lack of challenge and robotic nature of your job is an issue for you.  I applaud the various degrees you achieved but the sheer nature in how you express yourself and your ability to identify what is very likely a real "void" in your life is most telling in regard to the fact that you are not pursuing a genuine passion, and admirably that you are honest enough with yourself that you are working well below your capability.  Don't feel a need to get too hung up on what your intended major was, instead utilize the years of education (which clearly stand out in how you express yourself) to find something you are truly passionate about.  Leave the monetary aspect of it out of the equation for now, you just want to position yourself in a job that will fulfill your capacity judiciously, and something where your room for growth is infinite.  A dish washing job for a major retail chain really has it's limitations, or glass ceiling, when it comes to advancement - I think you already acknowledge that you likely belong somewhere far more fitting for your background.  With that said, I also suffer from insomnia, and I did since I was a kid.  I use hypnotics (zolpidem/zopiclone) off and on, substituting with melatonin occasionally, but the truth is that I still struggle on a nightly basis.  I don't share your pain issues, but I empathize and don't dare minimize the toll it is taking on you, but I think from a psychological standpoint you are ready for some major life changes.  I've been there myself, and I feel many of the residual issues will work themselves out it when you are in a place more suitable for yourself.  Best of luck and stay strong.

 

 

Hi thanks for your reply, any advice is good advice. That's why I come here so I don't have to pay a therapist or psychiatrist, lol. So I go online and try to get free therapy. My pain issues are really not a big deal, especially now since I won't be doing that work anymore. My Insomnia issues are a whole different story, comparing the two would be like comparing a mouse to an elephant. I started having these insomnia problems in my Junior year of college. It's gotten a little better but still isn't completely under control. I can't put my finger on what the problem is. Maybe I've been drinking too much soda. But then again maybe not because I tried drinking just water for like six months and that didn't really fix my problem. I've tried all the different benzos, ambien(Zolpidem), and HydrOxyzine, and none of them are a sure fix for when I have a bout of Insomnia. Benzoes worked well for a little while but after a couple weeks they lose their effectiveness. The worse part of my life is not knowing when this insomnia is going to kick in. I could start a new job and then all of the sudden have a crazy few nights of insomnia and lose the job. It kind of hinders my ability to feel like I can rely on my body to behave normally when I need it to. Yeah I would agree about the void thing. I basically have to start from scratch right now, and I'm not a new grad i've been out of school for a while, so I feel like I'm playing catchup which is difficult when you're older. Plus whenever I try to straighten my life out this Fng Insomnia comes into play and wrecks me again. I'm getting to the point where I really don't care about anything anymore, since I was robbed of at least 15 years of good health for some reason which I can't identify. I've never wanted to pursue a job in a field i studied in mostly because of this Insomnia issue. I'm too afraid that I will fail before I even begin. I think that's what is bothering me. 

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I've been through it, also in my college years.  You almost convince yourself that you "forgot" how to initiate sleep.  People, and EVERY doctor I saw, refused to believe me when I told them I would go several days with zero sleep when I was well aware I wasn't "drifting off" as my eye was always on the clock as my anxiety became intolerable when I was attempting sleep as I would get surges of energy off of sheer frustration when my head sat on the pillow, it almost felt like my head was 200lbs and the pillow was of no comfort.  I can relate in regard to insomnia literally dictating your life - I could not plan anything important as everything in life was contingent on sleep, and I felt if I loaded my schedule up for an important day the nighttime anxiety would rear it's head and sleep would likely be an impossibility.  In turn, I woke up to stimulants and went to bed with whatever I would have on hand (hypnotics, benzos), and generally I would finish a 30 day supply in 3-4 days just because there was nothing more important in that moment than the prospect of sleep.  The solution for me wasn't very easy.  I actually detoxed off an array of drugs, had many sleepless nights, was prescribed Trazadone (which is aspirin compared to a real CNS depressant) and forced myself into some form of daily productivity.  It was by far the darkest period of my life - so not only can I never minimize what you are going through, I am also empathetic as I am sure friends and family members think your claims of "no sleep whatsoever" are exaggerated, when in reality it's your whole existence - and a living hell.  Your mileage certainly may vary, we are around the same age now, I'm also in my mid-30s and my real problem years were my younger 20s, but I know how crippling insomnia can be. 

Wow you really hit the nail on the head with that post. The stuff you said there is exactly the type of stuff I've been going through. It's almost an identical parallel to my life. My insomnia was at it's worse when I was around 21 years old. At that time I was super crippled by insomnia. I would literally watch the clock and toss and turn all night but to no avail. My head felt so heavy as you described, and when daylight came and it was time to go to class or take care of business, I had to drag my butt to go anywhere, I was really freaking out. What made it worse was the thought that this would never end, and the fact that it persisted for so long reinforced the idea that I was damned for life with this disability. Yep I agree it's as if I forgot how to fall asleep. That's exactly what I was feeling. Somehow I managed to graduate while I was going through this, but I felt terrible, and i was feeling so self conscious because I thought everyone would be looking at me and see that I looked like a mess. After I graduated I put off looking for a job for as long as possible. To this day I still haven't found my niche which I could make a living on. The insomnia went on from about 2001- present. Around 2008 was the first time I was introduced to Zanax. My brother had a prescription for that from his psychiatrist and he offered me one pill (1mg) one day. After I took it I fell asleep in about 10 minutes, but then I woke up about 4 hours later in the middle of the night. I felt some relief but I was still troubled because It was still the middle of the night and I couldn't get back to sleep. I thought the Zannies would be a solution, but the tolerance for that builds so fast. The second time i took a 1mg it didn't knock me out like the first time. After that I started going online and finding places where i could order benzoes and I would pretty much abuse them just to get a night of sleep. Like you said, I would at times wake up in the middle of the night and then start taking any benzoes or other types of medications just to get back to sleep. And yeah I went through a months supply in a few days just like you. I tried going to doctors and telling them about my problem but they didn't have anything to solve my problem. One doctor gave me a small script for Ambien (this was when the generic version, Zolpidem, was still not out on the market) I didn't have insurance and the pills were expensive. They were like 7 or 8 dollars each and I only was able to buy about 10. But the Ambien didn't even work for me. I felt no effect from the ambien. It did absolutely nothing for me. And just like you I told my family and friends all about my problem but nobody really had any way of solving my problem, or they thought the whole thing was silly. There were times when I was feeling like I was on the brink of insanity from not being able to sleep. I could barely leave the house because I was so tired and felt like crap and thought everyone would be staring at me because I looked so terrible. To this day I have not found any medication which I could depend on 100% to fix my problem. I started taking Clon@zepams but they didn't have a great effect. Throughout this whole time I was constantly thinking what was I doing wrong that was causing this? I tried everything from quitting smoking to quitting drinking soda , exercising but nothing helped. I am feeling slightly better though now because I do get to sleep better now , but I do still have the occasional bout of insomnia. The worse part about this situation is I feel like I wasted 15 years of my life on trying to figure out why I couldn't get to sleep but never was able to find the solution. That feeling of time wasted that I can never get back really depresses me. The frustration was a living hell indeed. Right now I'm 36 years old and I haven't entered the work force in any field related to my college degree. I had a few jobs, but ultimately I always ended up quitting because of the insomnia.. I'm still not sure what my problem is but I'm trying my best to not think about it and try just get over it and hope that one day i will be able to pull myself together. My biggest problem right now is how to explain the gaps in my employment in any future job interviews. What is an employer going to think when they see that I haven't done anything relevant in over 15 years? That is my fear right now. I hope somehow I will overcome this and find a decent job so I can support myself independently. Also I feel really bad because I've been a huge burden on my parents all this time. They don't understand why I am not working, and when I try to explain what is going on they don't seem to accept that excuse. Thanks for the reply I'm glad there is someone out there that knows how I feel and that I'm not alone in this bizarre situation. 

Take care,

Codean212

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@massm I have to say Wow again. You mentioned a couple of things that I was thinking about but didn't mention yet. I agree with you about the weight gain. When you don't get any sleep it feels like your body is 100 pounds heavier than when you get a good night rest. I remember the countless days when I had to walk around like that, feeling like total Crap, and feeling like I could barely walk. When I was in school I started avoiding people as much as I could because I felt so uncomfortable with my appearance when I haven't been sleeping for several days It used to be much worse when it first started, but now I have been getting more sleep more often than having insomnia. But you do end up putting on weight if you don't sleep right. I think because you feel so tired during the day and try to avoid going out or walking around in general. I used to just stay home sometimes and stay in bed all day and sometimes I didn't leave my apartment for like 3 days in a row or more. That definitely made me gain some weight because I wasn't doing anything to burn off calories. Also I was surprised you mentioned Fight Club. Ever since I saw that movie, I kept thinking about that movie and Edward Norton's character. I was going to mention that but you beat me to it. When I tell my mom that I have trouble sleeping she just says don't worry you will fall asleep when you are tired and nobody ever died from not sleeping. I don't know if anyone has literally died from insomnia but I have to believe that all those restless nights have to add up to something bad for your body. So even if you do get some sleep eventually maybe your life span was cut short from all those days of non sleeping. I suppose you could probably develop conditions which old people die from at a much younger age. For now though I agree with you, I do my best to try not to think about this insomnia and not to worry about my resume. There is nothing I can do about the time that has passed. All I can do now is hope to find a way to make a living as is. I could be overthinking the whole situation as well, maybe I wouldn't get grilled about my work history in a future job interview. Whatever the case is I have to believe that it's still possible to succeed despite what happened in the past. I can't dwell on the down side of my life from the last 15 years or so. I have to start from scratch and find  a position which might not look to deep into my history, or if I have an interview If I can convince the interviewer that I am the right person for the job then the resume is just secondary. The main thing for a successful interview is to look your best and be alert and able to answer questions quickly. I believe that on certain days when I do sleep well I can pull off a decent interview. But there were times when I had scheduled job interviews and I didn't go to them because I didn't get any sleep the night before. I'm glad that my parents are still around. You are right, they might be  a little disappointed that I haven't left the nest yet, but they never gave up on me and they still are supportive of me and try to encourage me  to find a job. I feel bad that I've been living off of my parents for so long, but I had no other choice. I certainly wouldn't want to be homeless. Yeah I am kind of surprised that you and I have shared a seemingly similar experience. You are the first person I met that seems to have the exact same issues that I have. I did go to the doctor a couple of years ago and he did some blood work, he told me to come back because he said I had some elevated thyroid hormones or levels or whatever the correct term. But when I went in for the follow up he said I was fine. I think the day I did the bloodwork was a day when I hadn't slept well and the follow up visit was a day when I did sleep well so that could explain the thyroid levels going from high to normal. Well anyway I am glad to have met you it's kind of interesting that there is someone else who understands how I feel. I'll definitely add you as a friend or pm you so we can stay in touch and talk about  our progress. Thanks again for the reply, have a great night!

KC

e nail on the head with that post. The stuff you said there is exactly the type of stuff I've been going through. It's almost an identical parallel to my life. My insomnia was at it's worse when I was around 21 years old. At that time I was super crippled by insomnia. I would literally watch the clock and toss and turn all night but to no avail. My head felt so heavy as you described, and when daylight came and it was time to go to class or take care of business, I had to drag my butt to go anywhere, I was really freaking out. What made it worse was the thought that this would never end, and the fact that it persisted for so long reinforced the idea that I was damned for life with this disability. Yep I agree it's as if I forgot how to fall asleep. That's exactly what I was feeling. Somehow I managed to graduate while I was going through this, but I felt terrible, and i was feeling so self conscious because I thought everyone would be looking at me and see that I looked like a mess. After I graduated I put off looking for a job for as long as possible. To this day I still haven't found my niche which I could make a living on. The insomnia went on from about 2001- present. Around 2008 was the first time I was introduced to Zanax. My brother had a prescription for that from his psychiatrist and he offered me one pill (1mg) one day. After I took it I fell asleep in about 10 minutes, but then I woke up about 4 hours later in the middle of the night. I felt some relief but I was still troubled because It was still the middle of the night and I couldn't get back to sleep. I thought the Zannies would be a solution, but the tolerance for that builds so fast. The second time i took a 1mg it didn't knock me out like the first time. After that I started going online and finding places where i could order benzoes and I would pretty much abuse them just to get a night of sleep. Like you said, I would at times wake up in the middle of the night and then start taking any benzoes or other types of medications just to get back to sleep. And yeah I went through a months supply in a few days just like you. I tried going to doctors and telling them about my problem but they didn't have anything to solve my problem. One doctor gave me a small script for Ambien (this was when the generic version, Zolpidem, was still not out on the market) I didn't have insurance and the pills were expensive. They were like 7 or 8 dollars each and I only was able to buy about 10. But the Ambien didn't even work for me. I felt no effect from the ambien. It did absolutely nothing for me. And just like you I told my family and friends all about my problem but nobody really had any way of solving my problem, or they thought the whole thing was silly. There were times when I was feeling like I was on the brink of insanity from not being able to sleep. I could barely leave the house because I was so tired and felt like crap and thought everyone would be staring at me because I looked so terrible. To this day I have not found any medication which I could depend on 100% to fix my problem. I started taking Clon@zepams but they didn't have a great effect. Throughout this whole time I was constantly thinking what was I doing wrong that was causing this? I tried everything from quitting smoking to quitting drinking soda , exercising but nothing helped. I am feeling slightly better though now because I do get to sleep better now , but I do still have the occasional bout of insomnia. The worse part about this situation is I feel like I wasted 15 years of my life on trying to figure out why I couldn't get to sleep but never was able to find the solution. That feeling of time wasted that I can never get back really depresses me. The frustration was a living hell indeed. Right now I'm 36 years old and I haven't entered the work force in any field related to my college degree. I had a few jobs, but ultimately I always ended up quitting because of the insomnia.. I'm still not sure what my problem is but I'm trying my best to not think about it and try just get over it and hope that one day i will be able to pull myself together. My biggest problem right now is how to explain the gaps in my employment in any future job interviews. What is an employer going to think when they see that I haven't done anything relevant in over 15 years? That is my fear right now. I hope somehow I will overcome this and find a decent job so I can support myself independently. Also I feel really bad because I've been a huge burden on my parents all this time. They don't understand why I am not working, and when I try to explain what is going on they don't seem to accept that excuse. Thanks for the reply I'm glad there is someone out there that knows how I feel and that I'm not alone in this bizarre situation. 

Take care,

Codean212

 

Wow you really hit the nail on the head with that post. The stuff you said there is exactly the type of stuff I've been going through. It's almost an identical parallel to my life. My insomnia was at it's worse when I was around 21 years old. At that time I was super crippled by insomnia. I would literally watch the clock and toss and turn all night but to no avail. My head felt so heavy as you described, and when daylight came and it was time to go to class or take care of business, I had to drag my butt to go anywhere, I was really freaking out. What made it worse was the thought that this would never end, and the fact that it persisted for so long reinforced the idea that I was damned for life with this disability. Yep I agree it's as if I forgot how to fall asleep. That's exactly what I was feeling. Somehow I managed to graduate while I was going through this, but I felt terrible, and i was feeling so self conscious because I thought everyone would be looking at me and see that I looked like a mess. After I graduated I put off looking for a job for as long as possible. To this day I still haven't found my niche which I could make a living on. The insomnia went on from about 2001- present. Around 2008 was the first time I was introduced to Zanax. My brother had a prescription for that from his psychiatrist and he offered me one pill (1mg) one day. After I took it I fell asleep in about 10 minutes, but then I woke up about 4 hours later in the middle of the night. I felt some relief but I was still troubled because It was still the middle of the night and I couldn't get back to sleep. I thought the Zannies would be a solution, but the tolerance for that builds so fast. The second time i took a 1mg it didn't knock me out like the first time. After that I started going online and finding places where i could order benzoes and I would pretty much abuse them just to get a night of sleep. Like you said, I would at times wake up in the middle of the night and then start taking any benzoes or other types of medications just to get back to sleep. And yeah I went through a months supply in a few days just like you. I tried going to doctors and telling them about my problem but they didn't have anything to solve my problem. One doctor gave me a small script for Ambien (this was when the generic version, Zolpidem, was still not out on the market) I didn't have insurance and the pills were expensive. They were like 7 or 8 dollars each and I only was able to buy about 10. But the Ambien didn't even work for me. I felt no effect from the ambien. It did absolutely nothing for me. And just like you I told my family and friends all about my problem but nobody really had any way of solving my problem, or they thought the whole thing was silly. There were times when I was feeling like I was on the brink of insanity from not being able to sleep. I could barely leave the house because I was so tired and felt like crap and thought everyone would be staring at me because I looked so terrible. To this day I have not found any medication which I could depend on 100% to fix my problem. I started taking Clon@zepams but they didn't have a great effect. Throughout this whole time I was constantly thinking what was I doing wrong that was causing this? I tried everything from quitting smoking to quitting drinking soda , exercising but nothing helped. I am feeling slightly better though now because I do get to sleep better now , but I do still have the occasional bout of insomnia. The worse part about this situation is I feel like I wasted 15 years of my life on trying to figure out why I couldn't get to sleep but never was able to find the solution. That feeling of time wasted that I can never get back really depresses me. The frustration was a living hell indeed. Right now I'm 36 years old and I haven't entered the work force in any field related to my college degree. I had a few jobs, but ultimately I always ended up quitting because of the insomnia.. I'm still not sure what my problem is but I'm trying my best to not think about it and try just get over it and hope that one day i will be able to pull myself together. My biggest problem right now is how to explain the gaps in my employment in any future job interviews. What is an employer going to think when they see that I haven't done anything relevant in over 15 years? That is my fear right now. I hope somehow I will overcome this and find a decent job so I can support myself independently. Also I feel really bad because I've been a huge burden on my parents all this time. They don't understand why I am not working, and when I try to explain what is going on they don't seem to accept that excuse. Thanks for the reply I'm glad there is someone out there that knows how I feel and that I'm not alone in this bizarre situation. 

Take care,

Codean212

 

I also realized when I was several days sleep deprived I was extra self conscious about my appearance; my eyes were heavy and half-open, my skin got a weird oily texture, and my head just felt like it didn't belong on my body.  Also some unusual but notable weight gain.  Just like you, 2001 exactly is the year I started battling with insomnia, but unlike you I literally had to take a semester off to get my body equipped to be able to finish up.  I must say in the last 15 years I have talked about my days of severe insomnia and never actually had a discussion with anyone who paralleled my experience so closely - I always think back to a line in fight club where Edward Norton's character is mockingly told by his doctor "No, you can't die from insomnia" - I beg to differ, my immune system was crap and lack of sleep made me complete unaware of my surroundings; I felt like a hazard getting behind the wheel or even something as simple as crossing the street.  One thing that attributed to my problem I didn't figure out for over a decade later when I was diagnosed with thyroid disease, I realized all the check-ups and green lights I was getting on my blood work were ignoring hormonal conditions, so maybe it's something to look into. Our minds tend to get the better of us, as soon as we acknowledge the importance of sleep and how devastating another sleepless night would be, we pretty much are confirming that nerves will prevail that night and we won't get a shred of sleep - I began to realize when I gave my mind the power over my body I was submitting when in reality every drug under the sun I'd use was merely intended for a quick fix.  Every doctor told me I was depressed and tried to push SSRIs on me, and in the end there was no one I can turn to for a solution besides myself - I don't want to say I lacked "support" as much as no one seemed to understand how crippling and the emotional toll insomnia takes on you, which to me was the equivalent of catching on fire with empathetic friends and family around but no fire extinguisher.  I'd potentially start looking into possibly getting some more detailed blood work and work with a "less is more" approach until your nighttime rx regimen remains static and the only outstanding variable is yourself.  One other trick I learned is that I slowly moved my bed time up to the point where my body was trained to wake up at 5am regardless of the day.   I found that by doing this, especially during the week when I had to be out of the house no later than 7:30 or so, I began to love the early mornings as it was the only time of the day I really had to myself and couldn't be bothered as it seems the rest of the world was asleep while I was getting a head start on my day.  Your concerns regarding a job and the lapses in your resume are certainly a valid concern but at the same time is obviously irrevocable - I wouldn't sell yourself short, I've been in managerial positions for a decade and the way an applicant expresses themselves shines through "holes" in a career, I'd just tell the employer that you have yet to find your true passion and essentially I'd aim as high as possible for anyone willing to let you sit for an interview.  You probably don't even notice that your intellect surfaces when merely expressing yourself anonymously on a forum, chances are it would leave a very similar impression on a potential employer - there is no need to rationalize what has or hasn't happened up until age 36, you still have time to shine and I can tell you from experience that the transformation will be acknowledged by all around you, especially regarding your concerns regarding your parents - their concern is more likely your own confidence and self-worth based on what they know you are capable of, when you take the leap to better yourself and the situation they know the monetary aspect is around the corner.  Remember that they are always your advocates, and use their support as a form of strength to overcome the obstacle instead of getting stuck in a tough spot where your perception of their disappointment leaves you in a completely precarious situation.  If you ever want to go into more details, we can always talk privately as well.  It's just actually a bit invigorating after all these years that I found someone struggling to such an extent that I did that it would be a crime not to give you every detail of my own experience.  I still am a lousy sleeper, but being a "lousy sleeper" is  literally light years beyond where I was at your point, I know from your perspective it's nothing short of hell right now and no one should tell you otherwise.  At least take comfort in the fact that severe insomnia IS that bad, and not something you need to "shrug off", as I was received with a dismissive tone by EVERY doctor (including psychiatrists) I visited during that period who either thought I was a hypochondriac or looking for a lab coat with an RX pad - the isolation was one of the worst parts for me in that regard.

 

 

 

\I also realized when I was several days sleep deprived I was extra self conscious about my appearance; my eyes were heavy and half-open, my skin got a weird oily texture, and my head just felt like it didn't belong on my body.  Also some unusual but notable weight gain.  Just like you, 2001 exactly is the year I started battling with insomnia, but unlike you I literally had to take a semester off to get my body equipped to be able to finish up.  I must say in the last 15 years I have talked about my days of severe insomnia and never actually had a discussion with anyone who paralleled my experience so closely - I always think back to a line in fight club where Edward Norton's character is mockingly told by his doctor "No, you can't die from insomnia" - I beg to differ, my immune system was crap and lack of sleep made me complete unaware of my surroundings; I felt like a hazard getting behind the wheel or even something as simple as crossing the street.  O

 

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