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Mom's Words of "Wisdom"


Roger

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Will try to keep ,this short but I really want some HONEST thoughts/feedback on this situation Ibe found myself in because, well, are relationships EVER uncomplicated or easy? 

Wheni left for college, albeit SEVERAL years ago (1983'ish) Mom said to me "don't date anyone you wouldn't marry". I filed that away somewhere in my memory but I woder if by gosh, Mom  was right after all? Now, consider this was in the early1980's and living together etc was a bit frowned upon, especially in my part of the country. So, I guess now it would be "don't date anyone (long term) if there are signs he/she has no intention of taking it to the next level of living together or getting married. 

Ive Been in a long term thing (off and on but mostly on) for 4 yrs. His work is bringing him closer, 1.5 hours from door step to door step (now) to pretty much "down the street" as of 7/27.  He assumed he was going to move in with me; NOT sell his home which is again, an easy drive. He wants to live with me during the week the "we" will go to his house on the weekend. "Right"  

I have an uneasy and slightly used/disrespected feeling about this arrangement he decided upon without having a discussion with me prior to making this decision. And frankly, we do GREAT seeing each other a couple of days out of the week but extend it to 4-5 days, he turns a bit moody, restless etc. Based o these moody spells, I DONT want to live with him and certainly don't want to marry him (which works well bc the feeling is mutually) Lol

. On the other hand, I've got 4 yrs invested into this and it feels like a pair of goos worn in house shoes. (How romantic! Lol) 

i am convinced he doesn't have a financial motive- he earns MUCH more than I and always has been very generous to me. Always pays for our activities, vacations etc. I am 99.9% sure he is faithful and don't thik for a minute this has anything to do with trying to juggle others "one the side". I DO know he loves me and I feel the same but is love enough?  I'm a fairly attractive woman who takes care of herself but let's face it, the pool of good  single men in their 50's isn't exactly full. Do I settle for this is good but not ideal? 

PS- would LOVE to get some male perspectives with this. I know men claim they don't understand women but trust me, it goes both way! Lol

At the end of the day, I have this feeling that if I'm not "good" enough for him to FULLY commit (sell current house and buy together, marry etc) what am I doing by wasting time with someone who wants a convenient girl friend. 

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Hey Rog!

This topic is right up my alley as I have found myself in a very similar situation. I live with my boyfriend but I view our relationship as more out of convenience than anything else. We make good friends and we work well together at helping each other out when it comes to my child and his three children. I know he would like to take our relationship to the next level but I have zero desire to do that. It's more of a "right now" situation and one I don't see lasting a lifetimes. Sadly there isn't a spark there for me and I refuse to settle. I really have no desire to get married anyway but if I were to do that (never been married), it would have to be the whole package. Chemistry is so important to me. I feel a little selfish for continuing this way knowing what I do. But it's working so I'm just taking it day by day. 

 

Having said all that, I don't see anything wrong with the arrangement you and your boyfriend have if there aren't any expectations on either side. As far as moving in together during the week, what is his motive there? Just to spend more time with you? If you don't want that, just be honest! When I was living in my previous home, I had a few boyfriends try to move in and I just didn't want to do that and I stayed firm on it. I liked my privacy and freedom. The situation for me now is really hard and my long term goal is to be back on my own again. It's just how im happiest. 

 

I hope it it all works out for the best for you!

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Hmmm @Roger, do you wish that he DID want to marry you? Would you say yes if he did? Why isn't he interested in marriage?

See, I have no answers, only questions. Maybe I'm just trying to understand the situation better.

 

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Hi Roger... so he is moving down the street in a couple of weeks? It hasn't happened yet?  I would just tell him that you don't want to rush into anything and just see how it goes when he lives down the street.  One step at a time.  Living so close changes the dynamics a lot and you need to see how it will go and then if it is going good then take the next step when you are good and ready.

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The fact that he didn't discuss it with you is reason enough not to do it at this point.  I hate being taken for granted.

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Yep- there was a time when I would have married him in a heartbeat but when it never happened I pretty much accepted it the way it is. Until now. I feel VERY taken for granted and a little disrespected.  Now, there is nothing wrong with living together but it seems like he only wanted to do it when it was convenient for him.  

I just need to face the music and tell him I need some  space and time to ask myself if this is what I really want for my life. It is hard though.  I've known in my heart this day was coming. 

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  • 3 weeks later...
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John Benson

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Well there you go Roger  I would quote it but that's a problem for Mr  ( or  Mrs? ) smart phone. 

But your second paragraph is basically what I was going to say. So good for you,  in your original post,  you seemed to have a few doubts so you are right, imo,to put the brakes on. 

Also, I don't really think anyone should "just settle on anything,  especially another person,  I don't think that's fair for either side.  I do believe that we should all be more compassionate and loving in general, but not to a degree that we sacrifice any aspect of ourselves. 

But what do I know. Yes, I'm a 45 yo man whose been in various relationships with girlfriends,  wives, etc since age 14 almost non stop til very suddenly last Thursday, and have always had plutonic female friends  , but I have no understanding of women at all 

Additionally  , while the two sexes may have some common elements and traits inherent to gender   I  don't tend to lump all women I know or have known like, "well that's a woman for ya " or some similar thing. To me that's sexism,  and I certainly wouldn't want the same done to me, but as mentioned earlier, I understand very little on this and dozens of other topics. But I just try to work with what I have for better or worse. 

Good luck to you 

JB 

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Well then..  I would follow your own advice..incidentally this was 6 weeks ago...any updates?  Did this work?  Did he see his ways? 

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Yesssss we need an update!

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