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Not Sure How To Feel About This With My Husband


shaynagrl

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I am the sole breadwinner in my marriage. I have a good job that I mostly enjoy and pays well enough. Our health insurance is through my job.

The health insurance adds a surcharge for smokers. My husband has been an on-again, off - again smoker. He promised to quit for good when the surcharge issue came up. He got a nicotine test and was clean.

Periodically, I ask him how he is doing with his quitting cigarettes. He has repeatedly assured me that he has stayed quit.

The other day I was looking for something in the car we share, and I found cigarettes. I was upset because I feel like he lied to me, and is he lying to me about anything else.

He threw out those cigarettes but let it slip that he has some other cigarettes hidden "just in case" he really needs one.

What worries me besides the health risks to him are the risks to me. First, I have asthma and get flare ups just being around someone who smokes. Second, I could face disciplinary action at work if they find out he is smoking while I am claiming both of us as nonsmokers.

Am I out of line for feeling betrayed?

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I understand that feeling of betrayal!

My husband lies about (of all things) buying expensive Nike Jordan tennis shoes.

I'd be so mad when I'd catch him

and still can't see why he doesn't just man up and say "I know you disagree about another $200 pair of shoes but I really want them". Instead he hides them in the garage.

But over time I just came to realize it's not worth fighting over. He just has some compulsion to buy shoes.

I bet you husband just feels so guilty when he slips up he is ashamed to tell you. At least he is trying not to smoke and maybe eventually he won't need a secret stash. Try not to make it more than it is like I did. Like gee he must be lying about all kinds of things.

Smoking is so hard to quit, just encourage him to keep trying.

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Quitting smoking is one of the hardest things to do. I know I have quit hundreds of times. At least he is putting forth the effort and trying. It has to be up to him. There is nothing that you can do to make him, it has to be his choice. I would cut him a little slack and give him support.

:)

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I agree with 2E on this one....

I wouldn't take it as a sign he's up to no good Shaynagrl..

In my opinion, smoking is one of the hardest things there is to quit!

I've managed to quit opiates and benz@'s in the past, however, I'm still trying to quit smoking!!! It's been a habit that I have carried with me since I was 12.... Horrible things!!

My feeling is, he's trying and he's ashamed to tell you he's slipped again! Plus, I totally 'get' the safety net thing too.... When I'm trying to quit (every week) I always have emergency rations stashed around the house, car, work!

Like 2E says, just try to keep supporting his 'giving up'...

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he's just as annoyed as you, if not more so! :-)

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I agree with 2E on this one....

I wouldn't take it as a sign he's up to no good Shaynagrl..

In my opinion, smoking is one of the hardest things there is to quit!

I've managed to quit opiates and benz@'s in the past, however, I'm still trying to quit smoking!!! It's been a habit that I have carried with me since I was 12.... Horrible things!!

My feeling is, he's trying and he's ashamed to tell you he's slipped again! Plus, I totally 'get' the safety net thing too.... When I'm trying to quit (every week) I always have emergency rations stashed around the house, car, work!

Like 2E says, just try to keep supporting his 'giving up'...

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he's just as annoyed as you, if not more so! :-)

Hi P,

We said exactly the same thing at exactly the same time!! :D

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OMg i agree! I bet he is disgusted. I too have quit, cold turkey mind you, benzos and tramps. I stoppedsmoking for a few weeks here and there and up to a year! I still smoke and i hate it! I bet he is annoyed and your support, your kind and loving support, will motivate him to quit much more so than your anger. Quotting is a bitch! ESPECIALLY if you are home all day! Much love to you both!

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Hi P,

We said exactly the same thing at exactly the same time!! :D

Hey Thor, I know, what are the chances!! :-)

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Thor and Phrenicz.......youboth are amazing peeps, thats why.

You know, i have just been thinking about this situation. Shaynagirl, i, as a smoker' would tend to side with the smokers on this bit! BUT, i hear you on the worry and the betrayal too. I, unlike most smokers, started late in life. (Like a fucking idiot, but thats just me) I have had significant others that promised to quit....and my parents too. The fear for them and their health is great. Also the fear that you may lose your loved one much earlier than you should. That fear is all too real. Plus being the only rbeadwinner in the house, there is fear of getting into trouble at work. That is a very real stress as well. I truly do see both sides of this coin. The only thing i can tell you, and beleive me when i say i am no relationship expert, is to try and communicate all of those feeling to your hubs in a non-judgemental way. I know communication is key and that can only take place when you are calm. Just wanted to put that out there too. Xoxo

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Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your feedback on this.  It helps to see some objective opinions on this.

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Hi Shaynagrl ... Sorry for the feelings you are experiencing, and understand why you feel the way you do. Both you and your husband are under pressure from a 3rd party - the payor - and we all know stress causes recidivism to the behaviors we are trying to change. Nicotine is the worst, so give your husband points for working at it. Try not to worry about a random nicotine screen. If it happens, throw it back and ask for the insurance company to pay for a smoking cessation program. The healthcare providers are getting pressured by the payors d/t the new Accountable Care Act provisions...its the circle game...try to remember that, and hold tight to those who love you and give a damn about you (i.e. your husband). Because, albeit carrying some baggage (which we all do), at the end of the day, its those we care about that matter most. The "system" cares about the bottom line and to them, you and your husband are just numbers, covered lives.

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is there any way he could use e-cigarettes-as health risks come from nasty chemicals that are in cigs and cause cancer,nicotine on the other hand is no more then caffeine.

 

Also did you think about putting him as smoker in the insurance,if its extra cost let him smoke but tell him to pay that extra in return.

 

Rest is up to him smoking is hard habit to crack,if person doesnt want to quit he wont,its only in time one realizes that is a nasty habit to have and waste health on it.other then that considering to put him as smoker might cost money but if smth was to happen to him insurance still may use it as an excuse as smoking damages appear many years later,so read contracts carefully as person might not smoke for couple years but if something comes up it could be easily pin pointed to previous actions.

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I have thought about putting him back on as a smoker.  It would be about $700 a year, but then I wouldn't have to worry about getting fired for misconduct for "lying" about us both being non smokers when he was still smoking.  I have offered to do this but he says not to do it, that he will quit and stay quit. 

 

I am also a reformed smoker.  I quit over 20 years ago, and while there are times I miss it, I have not gone back to it.  (Well, I did go back to it once, about 20 years ago -- 2 years after I originally quit -- but not once again after that time because it was so repellant to me.)

 

I also worry about his health -- he has a lot of risk factors and cigarettes is at least something he could control.  I love him very much and don't want to lose him. 

 

I guess I will just take this one day at a time, as that's all any of us have when you really look closely at things.

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Hi Shaynagrl ... Sorry for the feelings you are experiencing, and understand why you feel the way you do. Both you and your husband are under pressure from a 3rd party - the payor - and we all know stress causes recidivism to the behaviors we are trying to change. Nicotine is the worst, so give your husband points for working at it. Try not to worry about a random nicotine screen. If it happens, throw it back and ask for the insurance company to pay for a smoking cessation program. The healthcare providers are getting pressured by the payors d/t the new Accountable Care Act provisions...its the circle game...try to remember that, and hold tight to those who love you and give a damn about you (i.e. your husband). Because, albeit carrying some baggage (which we all do), at the end of the day, its those we care about that matter most. The "system" cares about the bottom line and to them, you and your husband are just numbers, covered lives.

Awesome post vineco!

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Hi Shaynagrl

 

Since I know you from 2 forums, I know you have your hands full.  You have so much patience & you are such a giving person. 

 

I too was a smoker, many years ago.   My husband quit, a million times, & really wanted to quit.  They used to have these group hypnotist seminars.

He wanted to quit, I didn't, but I thought WTH, why not give it a shot.   It was in a huge auditorium in a big hotel.  They let us all smoke for for the 1st half, then a break, & at that time we gave up our cigs & lighters.   We were hypnotized as a group, & believe it or not it worked for me.  I admit afterwards, I would bum an occasional cigarette, but one night at my in-laws I went outside, smoked & my heart starting beating so fast, thought I was going to have a heart attack.   That was it for me. Anyway after the seminar, although I did bum a few,but something stopped me from ever stopping & buying a pack for myself.   Never once did I buy a pack.

 

I guess my point is, if he's having such a difficult time, maybe try an hypnotist.  I was skeptical & I'm not sure they have the same type of thing I went to, it was many,many years ago.    Before that, I would not of thought being hypnotized would work, but it did.  I do see advertisements for private sessions, so just a thought.  It's a difficult thing to stop on your own, unless you've totally made up your mind to do so.   Just my .02!   take care Shayna & hope you're feeling better every day.

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Danie I am all out of likes but wanted to thank you for this idea. I think that I will wait a few days for things to simmer down with him and then I will suggest it.

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