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jthompson27566

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jthompson27566

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Just some feedback, my daughter is 33, single, beautiful girl, professional, career driven, attorney. Plans a trip with friends out of the US for about 7 days. She communicated the location such as Island, arrival date, house site. She was suppose to leave at 5:30 am this morning, stayed out late partying last night (one of my traits), over slept missed flight (definitely not one of my traits). However she's manage to locate another flight to fly down with some other friends later this afternoon, sounds like to me she lucked out. Now the reason for advice, at first I was furious this morning, luckily I didn't talk to her or I would have hurt her feelings. Primarily because I don't oversleep and miss appointments and even in the 70's after partying all night, I would never miss this flight! I'm mad because of the poor communication more than anything else I don't travel much but when I do, there have been snafu's but there has always been a plan B. and I over communicate every thing, flight schedules, times, and numbers, anticipated arrivals in each airport and departure times from the next one just with both son and daughter. Am I over reacting as a father and should just cool my jets? I really want to sit down and have a heart to heart about communicating better but don't want to hurt her feelings...Hell after all she is 33, self supporting, needs no help, owns her own place, plays bills so not much I can say, however I'm her Daddy-0 as she affectionately calls me. If you're a dad you know what I mean? Thoughts?

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If she is 33 she needs to learn these lessons on her own at this point.

Even though it's frustrating for you to see how easy a solution there is to a given issue.

Some people can be "loose" on things like being prompt for appointments or other life details and no matter how much you try to help them by pointing out better ways to do or look at things, they often get upset and take it as an attack on them.

But had she not been able to get another flight and she was not able to get to her destination to meet up with friends, I would bet you a few $'s that this would have been more of a learning experience for her and she would not oversleep due to excessive partying on her next trip.

Also, some people prefer to be disorganized, late, behind the group, and so on claiming that's just how they are, for whatever reasons they think others find it endearing rather then annoying. But If it works for them and they are happy that's great, even though others can see they could do so much better with a few minor changes, they won't listen because they like how things are going.

If she is happy and doing well, a few missed flights really aren't a bad thing, unless you have to pay for the plane tickets :).

I hate to say this, but I do get a bit of schadenfreuden when someone who doesn't listen is then left out of whatever and they get upset because no one specifically reminded them what everyone already knew. Like its everyone else's responsibility to make sure they know what's going on and when to be where or whatever. I'm not talking about kids, I'm talking about people well over 33 years old. It's a good laugh and a great learning opportunity for those who are a bit flakey on the details.

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If she is 33 she needs to learn these lessons on her own at this

Also, some people prefer to be disorganized, late, behind the group, and so on claiming that's just how they are, for whatever reasons they think others find it endearing rather then annoying. But If it works for them and they are happy that's great, even though others can see they could do so much better with a few minor changes, they won't listen because they like how things are going.

If she is happy and doing well, a few missed flights really aren't a bad thing, unless you have to pay for the plane tickets :).

I hate to say this, but I do get a bit of schadenfreuden when someone who doesn't listen is then left out of whatever and they get upset because no one specifically reminded them what everyone already knew. Like its everyone else's responsibility to make sure they know what's going on and when to be where or whatever. I'm not talking about kids, I'm talking about people well over 33 years old. It's a good laugh and a great learning opportunity for those who are a bit flakey on the details.

It's funny you say this, because I happen to be one of those people. Most of the time I don't intend to be late or forget about things, but it just seems to be something I can't help... This was very frustrating for me until early adulthood when I was diagnosed with ADHD. You are very right Smokey, some folks just can't help it.

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Just some feedback, my daughter is 33, single, beautiful girl, professional, career driven, attorney. Plans a trip with friends out of the US for about 7 days. She communicated the location such as Island, arrival date, house site. She was suppose to leave at 5:30 am this morning, stayed out late partying last night (one of my traits), over slept missed flight (definitely not one of my traits). However she's manage to locate another flight to fly down with some other friends later this afternoon, sounds like to me she lucked out. Now the reason for advice, at first I was furious this morning, luckily I didn't talk to her or I would have hurt her feelings. Primarily because I don't oversleep and miss appointments and even in the 70's after partying all night, I would never miss this flight! I'm mad because of the poor communication more than anything else I don't travel much but when I do, there have been snafu's but there has always been a plan B. and I over communicate every thing, flight schedules, times, and numbers, anticipated arrivals in each airport and departure times from the next one just with both son and daughter. Am I over reacting as a father and should just cool my jets? I really want to sit down and have a heart to heart about communicating better but don't want to hurt her feelings...Hell after all she is 33, self supporting, needs no help, owns her own place, plays bills so not much I can say, however I'm her Daddy-0 as she affectionately calls me. If you're a dad you know what I mean? Thoughts?

JT, 

One of the things I really appreciate about this group of people is that although we were brought together for one general reason; there are some extremely interesting and genuine folks on board who band together and support one another in times of good and bad life experiences.

 

If I might add my thoughts on your request for advise:

I am close to the age of your daughter; so if nothing else I can claim to be a close peer at least in terms of chronological age.

I'm glad to know that she is self-sufficient and successful in her career endeavors.  Not being in the same field of work, I cannot say for certain; but I would imagine her life at work to be potentially high stress, full of high achieving adults; but not necessarily void of immature or overworked individuals.

 

A few thoughts here; 

1. High stress jobs demand a certain level of self control and extreme attention to detail and organization in order to be effective in one's position.  Wearing this 'hat' all day long may in some cases cause the 'wearer' to reject those same characteristics when dealing with off-the-clock matters.  Which is to say; if your daughter must remain composed and professional all day long; she might need to release her human desires for some irresponsible spontaneity. 

 

2. Not sure if this is at play; but it was something I witnessed a great deal in undergrad school and may or may not apply to your daughter.  When I moved into the dorm as a 17 year old; I came in with a certain collection of experiences.  I had partied and rebelled for the last 4 years prior to college; I had gotten some of that craziness out of my system under the safety of my parent's roof.  Others I met were away from home for the first time ever, thousands of miles from anyone who knew them and had been compliant teenagers up until their college experience.  Their behavior was much like a caged animal being released into the wild for the first time.  Freedom coupled with absence of any real experience up to that point, meant these kids were all over the place.  Living what they considered to be a crazy fun college experience.  For them; it was necessary to stretch their legs and get crazy for a while...get it out of their systems, so to speak.

Of course most of them eventually calmed down, re-centered and went onto successful lives, careers and built their own families.

 

3. Finally and just my opinion; there is often a difference between who our parents think we are and who we are.  Our parents (and who can blame them) want us to be happy, free from extreme pain and hardship and successful in life no matter what we choose to do.  A parent can't help but to want goodness for their children, and it shouldn't be any other way. Children, whether they are adults or not, may only present a percentage of their total personality to their parents.  Perhaps because they don't want to disappoint them, be judged or worry them.  Kids have to figure it out on their own and the best way to learn is by doing.

I know it's hard to watch someone make decisions that will inevitably lead them towards pain or difficulty; but fact is fact: you have to allow people to make their own mistakes, be who they are at the moment and be there to support them if they need a little pick up and dust off.  I'm not saying, clean up messes or pay for mistakes, but being an impartial ear and accepting of your daughter; flaws and perfection, will likely give you more access to her over time.  Share your true feelings with her so that she knows you care and are worried, but whenever possible communicate some level of unconditional love no matter what stupid decisions or fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants type of practices she participates in.

 

Just one last thing; when my daughter was learning to talk we called ourselves 'Mom' and 'Dad' instead of Mommy and Daddy (just personal preference)...was well received by our daughter.  As she got older and more verbal; she morphed our names into Mom-io and Dad-io and I just gotta say I love it.  It's endearing and a little 'West Side Story'... So I guess we made a good decision when we named her 'Riff'... :lol:

 

Good luck, she's lucky to have you.

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I appreciate the different suggestions and in fact they are quite valuable. I'll let her ride this one out, keep my cool, and then have that professional father/daughter discussion, again, just to remind her of the importance of communication. Appreciate the help and thoughts. Hurting her feelings may have been a bad choice of words, maybe it's communicating, getting a point across in an adult like manner! I tend to be a bull in a china shop!

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J,

A bull on a chins shop or just a great dad!

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Well it worked out well, her trip went fantastic, she had a great time, and she's safe and sound back home. We had our father to daughter conversation in a very adult way, after she returned from her trip(thanks to the myriad of advice received here). I didn't overreact, just told her my thought process and just asked her in the future to be just a tad more considerate of overprotective dads such as myself. She said she would definitely keep that in mind and said she was mad at herself for missing her original flight. It all worked out, they had a great time and now she's back at the grind and life is normal once again.

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Well it worked out well, her trip went fantastic, she had a great time, and she's safe and sound back home. We had our father to daughter conversation in a very adult way, after she returned from her trip(thanks to the myriad of advice received here). I didn't overreact, just told her my thought process and just asked her in the future to be just a tad more considerate of overprotective dads such as myself. She said she would definitely keep that in mind and said she was mad at herself for missing her original flight. It all worked out, they had a great time and now she's back at the grind and life is normal once again.

Nice update!

Thanks for letting us know

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I was going to offer some advice but it sound like it's not currently needed.I'm glad it worked out nicely!

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One never stops being a parent. I am in my 30s and I can still use my parents advice! 

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