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How To Deal With Death


Helterskelter

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Helterskelter

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I had to take my dad to the ER because of chest pains.  He has a heart problem.  I know someday he will be gone, but I thought I would have more time.  My best friend died in May, and now I might loose my second best friend.  Just not sure what to do at the moment.  How does someone get ready for losing a parent?  Sorry if this is the wrong place to post.

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I had to take my dad to the ER because of chest pains.  He has a heart problem.  I know someday he will be gone, but I thought I would have more time.  My best friend died in May, and now I might loose my second best friend.  Just not sure what to do at the moment.  How does someone get ready for losing a parent?  Sorry if this is the wrong place to post.

Helter, 

I'm very sorry to hear about both the passing of your best friend and the poor condition of your Dad.

 

I must confess, I cannot advise on any one way to deal with death.  I don't quite believe that one can prepare themselves for the possibility or even inevitability of losing an important loved one.  

 

Losing a parent; although something most of us realize will occur during our own lifetime, can seem to represent the passing of pieces of who we are. 

There are those of us who did not or do not have "ideal" relationships with our parents, but their existence is a physical reminder of where we came from, who we've become and our beliefs about our destiny.

 

There is some comfort (I hope) in knowing that in a game of winners and losers; those who pass are the winners in the end.  Whether they are relieved from pain, mental anguish or both, we are the ones who must try to carry on for the living people who love and care about us.

 

If given the chance and if you wish to do so; reminding your Dad how much he means to you while he is still here, may help to rid you of some of the guilt you may feel if he does pass away.

 

Most people worry about the burden their death may bring upon those left "picking up the pieces" and to receive some assurance from you that you do not feel ill will towards him or the matters that will inevitably await you once he is gone, may help him to feel some peace as he faces his possible end.

 

Without knowing you or your Dad, I cannot say if injecting a little humor into the seriousness of the current situation would help, it may help to ease both of your sadness and fear.

 

Having said all of that, leave open the possibility that he may recover from this and enjoy life beyond this health scare.

 

Your sadness over the loss of your friend still raw, may also accentuate your own fears about losing another very important person.

 

Speaking on my own experience, I lost my Dad nearly a decade ago.  He committed suicide and did in fact leave years of financial burden in the wake of his death.  I was young and in many respects not mature enough to resolve these matters alone.  Due to the nature of his death, many of my family and friends took a more bitter position and some even advised me that I should look at his death as a chance for me to live a more normal life.  This type of "support" was only a detriment and left me feeling more alone and angry.

 

In the first few months I was disconnected to the loss and more engaged in the "business" of handling all the standard issues that death presents.  I'm not proud to admit it, but the next year was mostly spent in a spiral of self-destruction.  After a good deal of time, reflection and support from others, I was finally able to be sad but not ready to die.  This was just my journey and due to my age, I had very little experience in managing a loss of this magnitude.

 

What I would advise is that you welcome and request support in whatever capacity you can receive it.  Cling a little closer to family and friends and above all honor the day to day changes you will likely feel as you travel away from the day of loss.

 

Dads are a special breed.  They cannot be replaced and shouldn't be if at all possible.

 

Tell him you love him.

Tell him that some of the dreams he has for you WILL become your reality.

And...Thank him for whatever you know he gave you when he was here.

 

I so hope that you don't lose your Dad soon, but if you do, I hope that you can try to imagine a time when it will hurt less.

 

This forum is FULL of people who give support freely and genuinely, continue to reach out to some of them if you feel comfortable doing so.

 

Take Care, 

Beranda

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Helterskelter

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Thank you so much Beranda for your thoughtful reply.  The tests came back and my dad is going to be ok.  I now know not to take the time we have left for granted.  It was the most scared I have ever been.

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Thank you so much Beranda for your thoughtful reply. The tests came back and my dad is going to be ok. I now know not to take the time we have left for granted. It was the most scared I have ever been.

So happy to hear you got good news about your dad. I know that panicky feeling all too well that you might lose a parent before you've said everything that needs to be said. I hope you're able to make the most of the time you've been granted.

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@helterskelter: if you learned not to take your time together for granted, it was very good for you to have this "scare“! I had a few "scares“ before the end came - with both of my parents. They served to remind me not to sweat the small things; to not be petty; to talk while i could and to say the things I may have otherwise waited to say, the things Beranda mentions above. And yes, I needed more than one reminder. Life is crazy busy and hectic, so I was lucky to get more than one.

IMO, you can never be prepared, because what hits you at the loss of a parent are things you simply don't imagine you will feel, at any age. I was most shocked at how it felt to realize I was now an orphan! WTH? I was grown up, I had my own children and even a grandchild, but I still felt orphaned! I was a little lost pup for a long time!

I think the key is to realize that life is short - and to live it - to just make the best of everyday, so you never have to look back and say what if! Remember this: The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they simply make the best of what they have!

Glad to hear your papa is going to be ok :-)

FG

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Thank you so much Beranda for your thoughtful reply.  The tests came back and my dad is going to be ok.  I now know not to take the time we have left for granted.  It was the most scared I have ever been.

I'm so happy to hear that things are better than you dreaded.  

Enjoy each other.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest kittykat

Helter,

First let mw say that I am very happy to hear the good news about your dad :) .  Unfortunatley everyone handles death differently.  When and if the time comes what you need to remember are the good times......Memories...From experience it sucks but as time goes on it will get easier.... You will never forget.  If you need to cry cry!  If you need to break dishes do it....Thier are no words that are going to make sense when it happens.  One thing I was told and it helped in a way was that they are at peace and WE are the ones that miss them.....But remember they are always in your heart.... Hope that helps..

Take care,

KK

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  • 9 months later...
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Very nice DS. Love and miss my angels!

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do you guys really believe that all answers wil be reveiled in death?

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I used to be very cynical about death. It is just the end, nothingness, etc.

But as I've gotten older and have had experience with people dying, I have began to question that.

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Guest holymoly

I still am unsure of death and heaven and afterlife.  I want there to be heaven, god but logically I have a hard time believing.  More than anything I want to see my loved ones again someday.

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THIS TOPIC IS A GOOD 1 I PERSONALY DIE A 1000 DEATHS A DAY ITS WHAT WORKS 4 ME.SEE U HAVE 2 UNDERSTAND THAT WE R CREATED BY GOD MADE IN HIS IMAGE. WE R SPIRIT BEINGS THAT HAVE A SOUL AND LIVE IN A BODY. WHEN U DIE U LEAVE UR BODY BUT WILL STILL HAVE UR "ETERNAL SPIRIT&SOUL" ALL UR INTELLECT EMOTIONS MEMORY ECT.WITH U EVEN TASTE SMELL TOUCH THIRST ALL UR FEELINGS WILL B EVEN MORE ALERT BECAUSE UR OUT OF UR BODY WITH OUT LIMITS AND IN THE SPIRIT REALM OF EVERLASTING TO EVERLASTING WERE U END UP SPEND'N ETERNITY IS AND HAS ALLREADY BEEN WRITTEN....JER.1:5 *SBB* :)

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